Walking Through Difficult Times

 Today I walked with a friend I have known for many years, Chris.  Chris buried her son the very same day my step-father died and I had my first of four breast biopsies.  I do believe loosing a child is certainly one of, if not the most, difficult thing a person can endure.   Over the miles I kept thinking how much I respect Chris’s approach to this dreadful experience and how well she is managing herself.  I want to share with you what I believe she is doing to help her cope.  Perhaps each one of us might find Chris’s wisdom useful….its already been a gift to me.

 What I learned from Chris about coping and difficult times: 

1.  Cry when you feel the tears.  I noticed how easily Chris and I both cried as we talked this morning.  The tears felt so real and soothing and were often accompanied by small laughter.  Chris said her tears are always right there and she consciously invites them to flow every day…sometimes several times a day.  I know this is important and over the last 3 months I promised myself if I felt like crying, I would go for it…regardless of who was there or how inconvenient.   Inevitably the tears helped me.  I felt calmer and more relaxed after they passed.  Tears are good things and have a way of opening our hearts and loosening our tight grip on our interpretation of reality thus allowing our mind to see new perspectives.
2. Keep a sense of humor.  Chris has always had a wonderful sense of humor and she has given herself permission to keep it close throughout this ordeal.  I love this.  We actually laughed a lot today…not full blown belly laughs but lots of funny giggles.  Laughter is just the other side of the coin from tears and helps lighten the load enormously.  There is always something (or someone) to find humorous…be it a stupid hospital gown that insists on mooning unexpected visitors or hilarious moment when people are trying so hard not to glance at your breast but just have to do it… Laughing is just such good medicine. 
3. Keep your mind as clear as possible.  Over the last 25 years, Chris and I have rarely been together when wine was not involved (OK – Pilates class, maybe, but not many other times).  We both love good wine (not to mention the wild dancing that often is encouraged through its juices.)  Over the last few months while going through this experience, Chris has limited her alcohol intake.  “It’s just such a depressant” she exclaimed “and who needs that during times like this?”  I couldn’t agree more.  From the very moment I was diagnosed, I stopped drinking – not for the same reasons as Chris but because I had read it was very acidic and cancer loves acid environments.   I am now aware of how helpful this has been for my moods too.  Coping with deaths, cancer, etc. is hard enough.  Why make it harder by messing with our mind’s ability to be rational and clear?
4. Stay in touch with friends.  I loved hearing all the stories Chris shared this morning about getting together with her son’s good friends and the meaning and comfort that has given Chris and her husband.  She also told of countless good friends who have reached out to her and made this journey easier.  We both laughed that neither us, ever again, can ever have a “pity party” for not feeling loved.   We were each watching our time today because we were both having lunch with friends….the most nourishing kind of lunch there can be…
5. Lean into your spiritual faith.  Chris mentioned how important her temple has been to her and she and her husband are planning an evening with a group of friends to learn from a Jewish scholar.  Her eyes showed me the depth of her appreciation for her faith.  As I think about this for me, one of the things I found helpful was creating a personal altar.  On this altar I have placed my most precious of items – pictures of my family and friends, my favorite spiritual books, prayer beads and candles, the cast of my “previous owned” breast, and other important personal treasures.  This is my centering place, a place to pray and meditate.  Just glancing at it has given me a reprieve from my human thoughts.  I am certain prayer has been central to my recovery and I am certain that Chris’s faith has given her refuge like nothing else could.
6. Give even when your well is dry.  Chris is already planning a big event to raise money for a foundation they have set up to honor the life of their son.  I could see how much positive energy this was generating in Chris’s being just to discuss it and dream of it.  In addition, Chris and her husband have invited a young woman and her newborn to live with them until the young woman’s husband is able to provide for them.  I know this kind of giving and “feeling useful”, as my friend Tom so aptly describes it, does so much good while at the same time fills our personal well. I have been the grateful recipient of such kindness from many cancer patients who have reached out to me even when life is dishing up some very harsh medicines.    
7. When all else fails (or even when it isn’t), take a walk.  When our walk was almost over today, Chris said “One thing for sure, this walk has certainly felt good.”  What is it about a simple walk that makes smiling a little easier, nerves a bit calmer and difficult things easier to tackle?  Perhaps getting our blood moving and helping the toxins to get out of our systems….or getting our vitamin D from the sun….or experiencing the beauty of life in growing things or funny dogs.  I really think it is probably all of these things and more.  I have found the biggest bonus, however, comes when I am walking with Tony or a good friend, sharing our lives and, for a brief period of time, life just seems to make sense.

 

Thank you, Chris.