Sitting With An Empty Bowl

It’s Monday, Feb 18^th and Tony and I just got back from Boulder.  I have been experiencing a gnawing ache inside of me and it seems to be attempting to get a message to my head.  Since my diagnosis, surgeries and the holidays, I have felt a surge to do something that is meaningful, powerful and purposeful.  This call has been haunting me because I have not been doing a whole lot if anything that I would say falls into this category.  Pilates, a little tennis, cooking and traveling to see family just doesn’t seem to provide the fulfillment that my heart is seeking. 

 
So what is up with this?   I can tell you this is a familiar feeling and I am guessing it is something that others have experienced too.  In fact, my conversations over the last few months with several family members and friends have revealed that I am not the only one struggling with this quest for fulfillment.    Countless folks have expressed to me the pain they feel about not living a life that is buzzing with contribution and meaning. 

 
I think if you observed my life before my Taj you would say that you were seeing someone who was “juicin”, an expression Tony and I have come up with that means squeezing every ounce of joy and meaning from every moment.   Before the end of July, 2007, the time of my diagnosis, I had several coaching/training clients, some corporate and a few more life focused and two wonderful not-for-profits – one that focused on providing a safe haven and counseling for women and children who were victims of domestic violence and the other a school for international children who were mainly from  third world countries and families struggling to find a way in this new world.  The work felt good and I believe I was providing meaning to my clients.   The coaching seemed to flow for me.  Flow for me means that my head did not have to struggle to figure things out, but more my heart could steer and my head could follow.  It was a gentle process for me and did not create anxiety or stress.  I mainly coached from my armchair at home, a lovely advantage of coaching over the phone.   On occasion I would have to go to a client in Atlanta, CT or New York to do some work on site – either presenting a course or doing face to face coaching.  I would come away from this on-site work feeling a bit more fulfilled, as if by “going to work” I was accomplishing more, doing more, that mattered. 

 
When I wasn’t coaching or training I was tending to my life or our life (Tony’s and mine).   I would usually find time to exercise.   Tony and I (or Susan Monserud) would hike the trails in NW CT, or ,when in Atlanta, the streets of Midtown.  Then there was always good tennis with friends.  My tennis has never been “exercise” for me but much more a social outlet, a way to connect and have fun with friends.  There would always be special time with my non-tennis friends either over tea, lunch or dinner.   And of course, the daily chores of keeping our houses running…straightening, shopping and preparing food (although before TAJ we rarely ate dinner at home unless we were entertaining friends) and paying bills, etc.   In the moments in between, I would call my Mom or my sisters to connect.  This connection happened several times a week as I rarely go long without wanting to know how they are, feel them close or share something that is going on with me. 

 
I believe I could say that my life felt balanced and fruitful.  The work was, no doubt, aligned with my personal mission.  The financial reward of this work felt appropriate and rewarding and to think I could do it in such a relaxed manner was amazing to me, really.   However, even though it had all these positive elements, there was a gnawing inside saying there was more that needed to come forth.  I felt achy and itchy to be more or do more. 

 
In my quest to understand this I pondered if I had enough stress, productive stress in my life.    Were things too easy for me?  Another thought was that perhaps I wasn’t tapping in enough to my desire to be with groups of people.   I have known I loved being in front of an audience ever since my first speech class in high school with Mrs. Pridemore.   And my love of deep conversation and group process was discovered in my youth group at St. Paul’s Church.  Since then I have had a drive to be a “groupie” and have found a multitude of ways to do this – either through work with Scott Peck or through gathering my women friends or my family together for good processing and sharing, or my professional work that provided an outlet for me to be in rich dialogue with groups or in front leading/facilitating them.   

 
Fortunately, throughout my professional life my desire to be with groups or in front of audiences has been nourished.   Unfortunately, one of the outcomes of this work was physical exhaustion.  The exhaustion was frequently due to travel.  I have had two prolonged periods in my professional life when I got on an airplane at least twice a week to travel to see clients.  The most extensive of these was my work with Franklin Covey where I traveled domestically and internationally for over ten years.  Plus, my schedule did not allow for being tired.  The mornings often started at 4 am which was dreadful because I can honestly admit I am not a morning person.  This was further exacerbated by the fact that I would often experience intense nervousness or excitement prior to a big speech or workshop and would not be able to sleep.   I would be able to perform well because of the adrenaline rush however afterwards I would feel beaten and spent.   Just writing this I can feel the stress in my body.   The major reason I stopped working with Franklin Covey was because my body just kept telling me I could not do it and be healthy.   Almost without fail, my sinuses would revolt on every plane trip and no cold or flu would fly by me without slapping me hard first. 

 
Leaving Franklin Covey was difficult in many ways.  Primarily leading these courses and giving keynotes based on Covey’s principles gave me a powerful feeling of “making a difference”.   I would receive overwhelming feedback from participants saying I had “changed their lives”.  This feedback was not random but regular.  I knew without a doubt that I was positively impacting droves of people and this felt very, very good.  In addition, my ego loved the feedback and the association with such a good company where I had worked my way into a senior level position.   Further, I had big audiences every week and my love of presenting, performing and connecting was fed big time. 

 
In reflecting on all of this I see myself in one of two camps.  As in Franklin Covey, my life was definitely full of meaning and a sense of contributing but I knew it was not healthy physically.  And then, by focusing myself more at home and with coaching, I felt tremendous balance, definitely a sense of fulfillment but missing the intense connection of being with groups of people week in week out.

 
When TAJ came in like a blizzard in the middle of summer, I immediately froze all my work, stopped doing anything but TAJ and, in reflecting back,  it definitely took every ounce of my focus and emotional and physically presence to deal with all its complexities.  It has only been about six weeks now since I have not felt pressured to focus entirely on my health and the activities surrounding it.  So now I feel as if I am sitting in front of an empty bowl.  I feel open to make new choices and yet I have tremendous anxiety about not doing….the allure is to “fill my bowl” quickly so that I do not have to feel this anxiousness.    I could easily jump back into coaching clients, doing some training here and there and wow, before I know it, I am filled to the brim with activity… but not deep satisfaction.   I am at a crossroad and I want the decisions I make to lead to an experience of authentic “juicin!”